...Englishman in palakkaD...


"Oh You want auto?.Get inside this one.Very big and strong.Very interesting ride but take care of your head on the way."

I was dumbstruck.I stared at the bald auto wala who just spoke to me in English praising his friend's diesel powered three-wheeler and at the same time patting its wind shield.It would have been fine if i was standing in Bengalooru or wtf they call it now,..but infact i was in "downtown" palakkad or Olavakkod.Because of my strict walk n talk policy (started long before that lame ad.pfff),i guess Mr.Oxford Chettan must have heard me while i was walking towards the auto-stand and talking to my friend on the cellphone.But i was convinced that the guy was not a palakkadian taking into account the number of autodrivers in palakkad who have responded to my "Chetta,Auto varumo??"(Is the auto ready to take passengers?) with perfect English.

"er....Interesting onnum avanda.Enikku sthalathu ethiya mathi" ( i don't want to make it interesting.I just want to reach my place).I replied with an awkward grin.

I saw the guy smiling at me while the auto turned around and crossed the Calicut national highway. My curiosity compelled me to ask my auto driver.

"So ...Whats wrong with that guy?"

"He is like that." The auto took a sharp turn to the left to let the angry red goverment owned ksrtc town to town superfast grim reaper to pass by.Doppler effect.Heartbeats are back to normal.Phew!

"Did you know that he just made fun of your auto? "

"....eh...? Is it? "

"Yes.He was ."

(No response)

"Well..Next time when he says something in English pointing at your auto,Just say 'shut up'."

(smiling)

I was relieved after i got down as i have imparted some wisdom to the auto driver teaching him one of the lamest come backs ever after "Whatever" and "So are you".But the question still remains unanswered - What the hell is the guy who talked to me in English doing here driving an auto?.He was not drunk as i am a person who is well versed with different drunk dialects in English. He may be a product of recession.If people getting laid off across the country are moving into jobs like these which were once considered prerogative for college and school dropouts , then the tourists visiting India are gonna get blown away for sure.Don't be surprised if you find a bus conductor humming to the tune of born to be wild,.. auto driver who can name all the 50 states in US, or god forbid,..a beggar who can beg in flawless English.I just couldnt stop me from replacing New York with Palakkad while humming to Sting's classic melody and hence the songtitle became the title of this post.

5 commentz pOstEd oN Oct 21, 2009 @ 2:34 AM

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...chapteR One: I am back ,bi**heS...

Yes!,..Its been long say 5 frickin months.To be frank and truthfull,my life have been so fu*ked* up for the last 5 months that i didnt even visit this shitty* little virtual space of mine.For starters, my company liked me so much that they decided to release me from their leash.I still remember the mail they send me with that heart shaped icon in the top stating...

" Fly away , lil nish.We are letting you go.Experience the real world.Feel that cool breeze grazing your hair,...play in the rain for once,..reach for the stars,...and yeah,..Find a new job!!!"

So touching ,..yet bitter in climax huh?
If recession bites me in the ass,..then i thought , Why cant i bite it back by showing some good old courage...mallu-style!.I took the decision,to boldly go where no laid off employee has gone before.To the heart of Economic slowdown,..,to the place where only Uncle Sam wants you ,......to the U S of A, and ..for doing my masters,..you heard me right.Cracked a couple of competitive tests and i am right on the verge of doing that risky business.So i need both luck and money.Either wish me luck or get my paypal account and both if you have shit* load of cash.

And speaking of my blog, the web2rank ( yellow widget in the right that displays the rank) is still saying that i am ranked 500 after 5 months of no posts and less traffic.What the fu*k* with that ?.Unless its ranking the english blogs out of Siberia, blahspace getting rank 500 is quite impossible.And for all those new blahspace followers,...If you joined my blog-following thinkin bout reading a medley of oxford vocabulary and a-day-in-the-life-of garbage,,..you amigos are in for a shitty* surprise.

*Swear words Courtesy: Adrenalin and total neuro rush after watching Officer John McClane stop being a human and start being an invincible sci-fi bald robot with a smart mouth.

9 commentz pOstEd oN Sep 15, 2009 @ 10:32 PM

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...tHe incidenT...  

                                          A busy noise filled monday evening in Chennai city.Hustle and bustle of cars,vans,sound horns,..constant roar of the blue bajaj pulsar bike racing adjacent to my share auto,people inside chitchatting after a busy day at work.All this occupied my entire audio spectrum making me deaf and exactly like every other Chennai share_auto_passenger at 6:30 pm in I.T Corridor .The auto-anna/wala geared down the gas as it reached S.R.P Tools bus stop.I had to get down from the auto to let the passengers cramped up inside come out.While i was waiting for the alighted passengers to pay the auto driver,one breath taking sight caught my attention.I couldnt believe my eyes,...i was nt sure whether i was awake.Though it happened in a split second, i couldnt digest what i just saw and i couldnt stop thinking about it while i was on my way back home.That night several questions ringed my mind...and i was unable to sleep...


Why was it done?

What was the motive?

Was the decision ,a result of some inner craving?

Or was it just for fun- for kicks?

Why did nt the onlookers respond to this act?

What was the reason for the nonchalance exhibited by the onlookers?

Was someone badly hurt ?

Did the act inspire others in the group to do the same ? 

Why are nt people taking this seriously?

Is the same happening everyday ,..everywhere?

Why was that particular place chosen for doing the same?

Why did it do such a thing?

Why?

Why?

But WHY?

24 commentz pOstEd oN Apr 11, 2009 @ 12:41 AM

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...tHe QuestioN...

                                                          Flashing back to the good old school days ,..i vaguely recollect a particular incident which happened to that young version of me.Dont judge me after reading this.Unlike those detergent advertisements,...i am new and improved.Ting.*
                                                            The year is 1993 .I was in my 3rd standard/grade in a convent school and like all other 8 year old kids, i was extremely stupid.It was during the same academic year that the school introduced 3rd graders into the world of [large and bulky]computers.There was a separate hour allocated everyday for Computer basics where an extremely loud teacher shouted computer jargons into our 8 year old heads.

"WHAT IS A COMPUTER"

"COMPUTER CONVERTS DATA INTO INFORMATION"

[She pronounced DATA like TA TA.So even if you knew something about DA TA , theres less chance of you understanding the same.Those who watch Lolakutty on Channel V will understand how the mallu english sounds.lol.]

                                                           Little did she knew that not all the kids wanted to know about DA TA,INFORMATION,CPU,KEYBOARD etc.Pure jargons during those days when television was the only idiot box affordable by a  middle class household.But one thing she taught about computer still lingers in my mind.Still..

"COMPUTER GIVES ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS"

                                                            Intriguing ,isnt it?.Though this statement was her valiant attempt to make a classroom full of kids who doesnt even know how to spell computer properly, understand what a computer does or what it meant,....some kids bought it.And unfortunately i was one of em.
                                                             It kept ringing in my mind and being a kid , i wanted to test this whole answering thing that a computer can do.So i waited for the weekly lab sessions with a question.Ah yes..The question..

"Who is balakrishnan's father?"

                                                        I know you- the reader will have some queries regarding this million dollar question.First- Of all the infinite square  questions in the world[kids have more questions than you can ever imagine and that explains the square ;) ] ,why choose this one? .Well...I have no duckin idea.I was 8 and like i said- extremely stupid.Second - Who the duck is Balakrishnan?.Balakrishnan was my best friend in class who used to sit with me..and who laughed at all of my stupid jokes.So he deserved the position of ...er..guinea pig in the first experiment ever to be done in Kerala on a computer[by a 3rd grader].
       The day  finally arrived.i quickly wrote the question and the answer  behind my fourlined, brown paper covered computer science notebook [with the sticker of John Rambo on it] and joined the line to the computer lab.The computer lab was actually a session where everyone in the class lined up and waited for their turn on the only working computer available in the school.One by one we stood infront of the computer,...typed our names on the keyboard and watched our names appear in the black screen of the computer.Thats the time when every one wished for a  very long name like Mathew John Kuriakose or Ajay Nadungedath Sadasivan.Scratch that.So here i was infront of the computer with the no teacher in the vicinity and all the students gone.The plan of standing at the last of the line worked perfect.
                                                      So i flipped the last page of my notebook  and typed in the question :Who is balakrishnan's father?.
I spent around 5 minutes in getting it typed on the screen, in which 2 minutes went away for finding out how to bring in the question mark and the apostrophe.I shot a glance at the answer in my notebook

Manoharan

[I pressed Enter]

Bad Command or filename

I blinked at the .....eh...blinking cursor near the letter C.But before i could do anything i was caught red handed by computer science madam who laughed her hearts out after seeing the million dollar question  at the end of the name list.The only thing that made me sad was not the twist in the ear lobe But the way she made the entire one hour hard work of around 90 students disappear from the black screen with some quick taps on the key board.Who would have guessed that they would use the duckin DOS command prompt to record the ^lab work^?

Well ..soon after this my interest in computers dropped.I became famous for making spelling mistakes in the usual so called ^lab^ sessions.Everytime i looked at Balakrishnan , i could see a black monitor with that blinking cursor and the letter C.
                                
                               Things where never the same between me and that small glowing screen and  after 15 long years,..i became a software engineer.Please dont ask me how.

[Names have been changed to avoid beaten to death scenarios esp. from Balakrishnan and Manoharan uncle]

21 commentz pOstEd oN Mar 18, 2009 @ 9:15 PM

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...V daY...

Its Valentines day... a day to express your feelings and renew the bond of love you share with your Valentine.A day when love shower upon .....blah blah blah blah blah...blah blah blah.Screw it!

Who the duck am i kidding?.So sick of all this valentine crap and dont duckin get me started on cupid.Who wants a Short Chubby toddler with a bow and arrow on valentines day?.
Yeah yeah.....I know its pretty obvious that i am single...Well...Bite Me!

"Dude,Should i get her roses or should i go for some expensive gift"
"I think you should ask someone who is not listening to high volume death metal.."
"But..but..you have not put on your earphones?"
"Thats exactly wat i am going to do btw."

R4 [who is in his 8 th year of steady relationship] was pretty happy the other day.He walked into my room laughing with a cell phone in his hand.I couldnt help but ask
"Sup?.Why you laughin so hard?"
"hahahaha.I had a fight with my gf.hahahahaha.."
"And you are laughin because..."
"Its valentines day ,day after tomorrow bro.Now i need not go out with her and have those awkward silences and moreover dont have to spend a dime on gifts."

And the spirit of Saint Valentine still lives on...


19 commentz pOstEd oN Feb 14, 2009 @ 12:32 PM

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NO COPYRIGHT.But that doesnt mean that this s the place for you to show off your CTRL+C skills.